The four you's of 'you'

Avadhoota Nadananda

(from "Autobiography of an Avadhoota - part 2")

Avadhoota Nadananda: Amma then sat down on a stone near the shukla theertham, remaining silent, and I too followed like an obedient dog sitting near its master. Yes, I was always content to be that, though never did she regard me that way like a rough master might treat his dog, but always doted on me, pouring her affection with a gentle look or a tender touch, and fed me like a loving mother. Suddenly, Amma spoke, "Now that you are a sannyasi, you must quit following me and you must move away far from here." It was a shock to hear those words, how could that be? Why was Amma repeatedly asking me to leave her? Perhaps reading my mind she said, "Yes, you have to leave and continue doing sadhana, but far away from here". I desperately tried to convince Amma with tears in my eyes that I was not in a position to leave her. She replied saying, "All this weeping and lamentation is foolishness. One day or the other, of course, you will be leaving me, my only desire is that you stand on your two legs and become independent as soon as possible." 

And actually, at one point I did entertain many thoughts of the Himalayas, even wanting to go there, but those had been the moods and fancies of novice sadhaka, and they had all gone with the winds after my long stay with Amma. I was like a six-month-old baby in these days, not wanting to leave Amma even for a few minutes. When she had given me everything I needed - love that of a mother, discipline that of the father, affection of a brother, sister or friend, and the mentoring of a guide, how would it be possible to leave her? For Amma was everything to me, at every moment. She stood up, and moving swiftly like a whirlwind, vanished into the woods. I wanted to get up and run behind her, but it was as if someone had chained my legs - it was impossible for me to get up or move. I was not aware of how many hours I sat thus, as I slowly began losing external consciousness.

Neither meditating nor in deep sleep or dreaming, I was aware of the being of the 'Self'. I was experiencing the song of the silence inside me vibrating all around, forming the echo of Omkara from within. I was not visualizing anything in that state, nor as a witness, but was in the depth of experiencing a scene enacted by me. Around me hovered hundreds of people with faces identical to mine. They all appeared to be carrying a stretcher-like thing made of bamboo, like the one that Hindus use to carry a dead body to the cremation ground. I looked around - everybody had the same face as mine. Some of them then came forward, lowered the stretcher near me, and,  lifting my body on it, placed it on the stretcher and tied it with some rope-like thing. The others who were like my replicas in roopa (form) and bhava (feelings), started to dance around me who was laying down on that chariot. 

Now the scene abruptly change to one of darkness, where those hundreds of my replicas were now dancing wildly holding flaming country torches. The thaalam or rhythm sounded familiar, it was the thaala, of dissolution, wild and furious, of drums beating all around. 

Then just as suddenly, everything stopped, and there was the deepest silence with nobody near. I was clueless and baffled at this experience when suddenly I felt the comforting touch of a palm rolling over my head. I knew it must belong to none other than my Amma who had affectionately caressed my head for a few seconds. And there was not even a trace of the entire incident: I was still sitting at the same spot, shukla theertham, where I had been sitting since dawn. 

Avadhoota Nadananda in front of image of Amma Tara Mayee

I glanced around to find Amma sitting nearby on the same stone, looking at me. I was wondering and groping for an explanation as to what had just happened a few seconds before and looked at her face questioningly. Amma said, "That was nothing but an experience and there is no need to be afraid - for wherever you find yourself, I shall also be present." I was not satisfied with her answer and needed more explanation. But the temple bells were ringing inviting sadhus and pilgrims for collecting prasadam and so Amma picked up her tin container and stood up to move towards the temple. I remained there, lost in thought, trying to interpret my experience. Seeing this, with a smile Amma asked if I had got anything out of these visuals. I pouted out and shook my head. Amma giggled a little and asked me to repeat whatever I had visualized just a while ago. Composing myself, I slowly recounted them in silence. She then started her explanation, asking me, "Tell me, how many you's, did you see in the visuals?" I replied, 

1) The first me was on the pyre

2) The second me - there were a lot of me's dancing

3) The third me was watching the other two me's - the one on the pyre and the many who were dancing around

4) The fourth one who was witnessing all the other three me's

"Exactly!" Amma exclaimed and said, "Yes, that is indeed what you saw - the four you's of 'you'. What this implied then my boy, is that the first 'you' laying on the pyre was your body in which the ignorance was living till now. It is now dead. Secondly, the many you's dancing around were all the samskaras and vasanas of the previous births that want to re-enter the body, but are unable to do so. There were trying to make the physical body get a life again but failing. The third 'you' watching all these, was the liberated 'you' after taking the sannyasa order, but not freed fully. The fourth 'you', the basis for all these three you's, is the real You. It is just a spectator and not the partaker of any of these things. Only in his presence do all the other three come into being. It is the one ever perfect, and unaffected by such things."

I was spellbound and asked Amma why I had 'returned'. She replied saying that it was because I had rishi runa, debt owed to the rishis This is why she was asking me to go and give the same message to the world. She told me that when one of my disciples comes to me to experience the same oneness of atma, I would be fully free from that runa, and until then I would have to remain in the world. I told her that was too much of a punishment, now that I clearly knew and had experienced that I was not the body but the spirit, and asked if I should again be left in the lurch in this world. It would now be much too painful for me to live in this world. Amma replied that I would not be able to help that, it was the order of the Lord. Unless I made at least one person understand this, I could not be freed from rishi runa, and even the great Adi Shankaracharya had not been able to do that. So I was to go out into the world and to preach to them the truth that they were not their bodies but the spirit, and try to stop them to the extent possible, from running too much behind sensual enjoyment. 

I was becoming intimidated at all this, at the thoughts of how I was going to pass the days from now on, and who I would impart all this to for getting freedom from rishi runa. Amma came near and caressing my head, said, "Don't worry boy, install me in your heart. I will be with you wherever you are. I will see to it that it gets done." 

I still await [decades after this incident] the one who will be able to get it from me, while I linger around here among the householders. So far no one has come, and the weighty wait still continues.